Guys Night In
by RenzokukenZ
Summary: Giftfic for MysticSpiritus. This is what happens when you leave the guys from the game alone in one place with their own minds to entertain them. Not a yaoi, so don't get your hopes up. R&R. Flame and die. Possible OOC.


**As a thank you for writing me a birthday fic, and because I felt like it, I decided to make Mystic another oneshot. The general idea was a guy's night out with some of the guys, but as she knows very well, when you leave it to me, you never know what you're gonna get.**

**Disclaimer: I own this constipated mess of bad jokes ingeniously fused together to create something that actually makes sense and can make a laughing riot.**

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Guys Night In

By RenzokukenZ

"So guys, what should we do tonight, yo?"

Reno, Cloud, Vincent, Tseng and Rufus were sitting on the couch in Reno's apartment, bored. Why they were on the couch is anyone's guess. It's even a mystery to them as to why and how they were together in the first place. It's as if someone had manipulated them in being in the same room simultaneously. But however the reason, be it from free will or manipulation via unknown deity, the guys were there and had nothing to do.

Which is weird in itself. How can 5 dudes find nothing to do to kill time? They could play a card game, but had to stop when Tseng developed a gambling problem. Who knew that the calm, collected, and rather stoic Wutaian would run wild when the stakes are high? Then there was the drinking game, but all of them swore to never bring that up again.

Let's just say that a make-out session commenced after the 12th round. All other details of that event have been destroyed for security purposes.

And let's not forget the occasional game of 'Beat the crap out of Reno with blunt objects and leave his battered body in a nearby dumpster.' Technically, the beating can go to anybody, but Reno was always picked. But alas, word got out and Tifa banned the game and if they were to do it again, she would ban them from her bar.

Since they all loved the bar, they had no choice.

"I don't know." answered Rufus as he scanned through the magazine stash on the center table which consisted mostly of porn. "Anyone have any thoughts?"

Cloud picked up the TV remote and began flipping through channels. "How about we watch a football game?"

"The season is over." Vincent responded as his eyes kept flashing towards the girly mags. "Maybe a movie instead. What movies do you have, Reno?"

Reno was too busy clipping his toe nails to hear Vincent's question so it went ignored.

"Why can't we just get out of here and go somewhere?" Tseng was really pissed off. He did not stop doing…whatever it was he was doing prior to this to just sit on is ass all day. Rufus dropped the dirty mags and merely sighed. "Like where, Tseng? The only places open this time of day are bars, and you KNOW we can't go back to any of those. At least not all of us at once."

"That's it! I got it!"

Everyone, except Vincent who helped himself to porn, stared into the barefoot Turk who spontaneously rose from his chair as if to say 'I'm retarded. Shoot me.'

"What is it this time, Reno?" Cloud asked with a monotonous and irritated voice. The last time Reno thought of something they ended up playing Russian Roulette. As to what happened, well, there's a reason why Rude isn't here with them.

"Let's see who has the biggest tool!"

Every single one of their jaws fell to the floor upon hearing Reno's disturbing idea. Well, except for Vincent since he had his eyes glued inside a mag.

"Um, Reno? Isn't that kinda…gay?" Tseng felt that it was his duty as Turk Commander to stop his subordinate from creating yet another same sex scenario.

Again the details of the drinking game have been sworn to secrecy for a reason.

"No it's not. Everyone knows whoever has the biggest junk is the bigger man. Come on, or are you embarrassed by Mr. 2 inch down there?" Reno joked as he snickered at the sight of Tseng's face turning red.

"That is a false stereotype!"

"Then prove it."

This was just getting creepy, mostly since Reno wanted to see his beef like a fangirl wanting to see her favorite character naked. But since it'll shut him up…

The Wutaian loosened his belt and pulled down the zipper, and with one simple swipe, he was completely bare from the waist down. To no surprise, Reno was the only one who looked, his face expressing shock.

"Does that look like two inches to you?" stated the head Turk cunningly. Rufus was staring high in the ceiling as to not look, but slowly his eyes went lower and lower, curiosity taking over. "Hm, it is indeed a great length. However…" Next thing anyone knew the president had his pants down, his pride being showed off to his fellow man. Again only Reno looked, and again he was shocked. This wasn't going the way he expected it to be.

"How about you, Cloud?" the red-head asked hesitantly. "I bet that big sword you carry around is compensating for something small." Everyone laughed at that little remark. Except Vincent who seemed to be flipping through the pages of the girly mag.

Without giving it a thought, the blonde too dropped his pants and once he did, all laughing stopped. It seems the joke was on them.

"Dear Shiva you're hung like a moose!" Reno was fading in facial color. He was loosing this battle.

"Well that's one of the best advantages of getting mako in your system. Why do you think Zack and Sephiroth were popular with the ladies?" Cloud exclaimed, standing tall and proud as the feeling of superiority rushed to his mind.

"Um…what about you, Vincent?" Reno asked the gunman, but received no answer. "Hey, Vince-"

He was cut off when the sight and sound of something large trying to escape the tight pants of Vincent grabbed everyone's attention. Cloud was a bit curious as to what flipped the ex-Turk on and he peaked at the current page of the magazine.

"Uh, Vincent?"

"Yeah?"

"That's a picture of Aeris…when she died."

"I know."

Everyone slowly inched away from Vincent. It seems having demons live inside of you for so long can do things to you.

"So, Reno, what about you? Think you got enough to be in the big leagues?" Tseng asked a pale Reno, sweat flowing down his face like a waterfall.

"…On second thought, it's getting cold, so I'm gonna call it a night and-" his cowardice attempt to keep some shred of manhood backfired as the sound of a gun being cocked was heard. It seems Tseng was still pissed.

"What's the matter, Reno? Wussing out now?"

"Come on Tseng! Would you really shoot me?"

"I will."

Cloud has managed to steal Cerberus from a trance Vincent and has now aimed it at Reno's skull.

"Hey, hey, yo! Don't you think it's gone too far? Besides…" With quick reflexes the red-head reached for his fire arm and aims it at Rufus. "If you shoot me, I'll shoot the president."

"Like hell you will!" Said president got his custom shotgun out and aim it at Reno. The Turk retaliates by getting another gun out, only this time aimed at Vincent, which is strange since he was never involved from the beginning.

The situation was getting tense. All 5 men either have a gun in their hands or a bullet marked for their heads. Sweat poured down their faces. Fingers slowly squeezing the trigger. Eyes constantly shifting. Vincent reading an article about biological warfare next to a picture of a woman wearing nothing but heels. Just the slightest of movements was enough to ignite this ticking time bomb.

Suddenly, the front door opened and in came a busty brunette babe wearing a white tank top. "Hey guys. I just came to check to see if you were beating up Reno aga…" She stopped the moment the guys saw her, and their eyes locked to her when she spoke. She didn't know how to process what she was seeing. Reno had some guns aimed at him, Vincent was just standing there with a porno mag, and Cloud, Rufus and Tseng had their pants down, their once hanging manhood was now standing in salute to Tifa's presence. Before the barmaid could question anything about anything, Vincent closed the magazine and stared at her bright red face.

"It's exactly what it looks like."

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**Yes, yes, I know. I have completely lost my mind. Must have left it in Hell or something. Anyway, hope you like it Mystic! You can thank me after you stopped shaking your head, wondering what the hell I'm on.**

**Trust me, this is me and I'm drug-free.**

**Please read and review!**


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